Madonna and Guy Ritchie

captured from an email Exchange Between Madonna and Guy Ritchie :

To: KabbalahKougar@materialgirl.meow

From: Lockstockandsnatch@baddirector.cam

Date: June 26, 2008

Subject: What the F!

Mommy, what are you doing? You tell the rags that you hired that skanky lawyer Fiona Shackleton and you don’t even tell me that you’re thinking of leaving me? What the F!

---

To: Lockstockandsnatch@baddirector.cam
From: KabbalahKougar@materialgirl.meow

Date: June 26, 2008

Subject: Re: What the F!

First off, how many times do I need to tell you to stop calling me Mommy? I’m only 10 years older than you! 2^nd, Fiona is a great lawyer and she did a wonderful job for Paul McCartney so why shouldn’t I have the best?

Now be a good boy and bring the case of Kabbalah water in from the Range Rover when you come to visit the kids.

---

To: KabbalahKougar@materialgirl.meow

From: Lockstockandsnatch@baddirector.cam

Date: June 26, 2008

Subject: Re:What the F!

Who do you think I am? Heather “the gold-digger” Mills? I have my own career and I don’t need your stinking money.

And for the record, that Kabbalah water you think is so “spiritually uplifting” It’s tap water bitch! I’ve been refilling the same case of water with the hose from the garden for months! Oh yeah, did I mention I hate your fake British accent? Funny how you dropped it the minute you were interviewed about the divorce!

Drop the man, drop the accent! You POSER!

---

To: Lockstockandsnatch@baddirector.cam
From: KabbalahKougar@materialgirl.meow

Date: June 26, 2008

Subject: Re: What the F!

OMG! I need to call the Rabbi, I’ve been drinking hose water! I’m going to go to hell! Where do you get off calling ME, the Queen of Music, a poser!

You’re the poser…a one hit wonder - what have you done since Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels?

---

To: KabbalahKougar@materialgirl.meow

From: Lockstockandsnatch@baddirector.cam

Date: June 26, 2008

Subject: Re:What the F!

Gee, my career’s in the toilet... maybe it’s because I keep hiring my old hag of a wife! "Swept Away" and "Snatch", my ass! My career’s been in the crapper because of you! It’s a pattern with you; first Sean and “Shanghai Surprise” - now me!

Oh did I mention YOU’RE the stupid one?

NO PRENUP! I’ll see you in court!

"Madonna and Guy Ritchie" continued... click here to Read More!

Angelina Jolie on "Wanted"

captured from an email Exchange:

To: M.Bruce@cutthroat.agents.$$$
From: A.Jolie@Actresses.hot
Date: June 25 2008 2:30pm
Subject: Just saw a screening of "Wanted"

Hey, Marty; I just came from a screening of the final cut of "Wanted", and I'm pissed! Y'know when we were filming that thing, I really had no freakin' clue what was goin' on. We filmed scenes at random, if there was any plot , you couldn't really tell what it was. There was just a lot of people shooting other people, people get shot, and riding on every sort of motorized anything in between. So we wrapped before I really knew what it was about.
But, I mean, the title is "Wanted", right? And I'm the star? I assumed it was because everyone WANTED me! what the hell else could it mean?
what's with this super-secret assasins guild or something? Yeah, like people want to see that!

---

To: A.Jolie@Actresses.hot
From: M.Bruce@cutthroat.agents.$$$
Date: June 25 2008 6:30pm
Subject: Re: Just saw a screening of "Wanted"

Hey, Angie Babe; just caught Wanted, the studio sent me a copy. You're Gorgeous! It's great! It's gonna be the hit of the summer! Trust me - I'm your agent!
I don't know what those guys at Pixar were thinking opening that cartoon robot thing against you! Family comedy? No way.
What are you worried about? Of course everyone wants you! what other reasom is there to see the movie?

---

To: M.Bruce@cutthroat.agents.$$$
From: A.Jolie@Actresses.hot
Date: June 25 2008 6:35pm
Subject: Re: Just saw a screening of "Wanted"

Marty; yeah, of course people want to see me, but the movie isn't about ME! There's some other guy in it, and I think the story is even about HIM!
Wait - what do you mean, "what other reason is there to see the movie?" What about a good story? When you read the script, you said it was the best story since the Ten Commandments!

---

To: A.Jolie@Actresses.hot
From: M.Bruce@cutthroat.agents.$$$
Date: June 25 2008 7:00pm
Subject: Re: Just saw a screening of "Wanted"

of course the story's good! It's gold! just like you! box office gold! and Brad, too!
Don't worry, at least they didn't follow the comic book!
And tell brad to call me, by the way.

---

To: M.Bruce@cutthroat.agents.$$$
From: A.Jolie@Actresses.hot
Date: June 25 2008 7:05pm
Subject: Re: Just saw a screening of "Wanted"

What comic book? this thing was based on a comic book? First a video game, now this? Marty - what the hell did you get me into?

---

To: A.Jolie@Actresses.hot
From: M.Bruce@cutthroat.agents.$$$
Date: June 25 2008 9:23pm
Subject: Re: Just saw a screening of "Wanted"

Oh, the kid who brings my bagel mentioned something about it. He said in the comic, all the characters were "Super Villains", and they went around killing whoever they want, and swore a lot, too.
But the movie fixed all that, they went with the "good guy" assassins, for the good of the world, so it's cool.

---

To: M.Bruce@cutthroat.agents.$$$
From: A.Jolie@Actresses.hot
Date: June 25 2008 9:25pm
Subject: Re: Just saw a screening of "Wanted"

Hell, I would have preferred that. Swearing and vicious killing sounds pretty good right about now.
Speaking of which, do you have Timur Bekmambetov's home address? (In case you forgot, he was the director.) I might have to pay him a visit.
For the good of the world, of course.
"Angelina Jolie on "Wanted"" continued... click here to Read More!

Open letter to Matthew Fox, from Gilligan

Open letter to Matthew Fox, from Gilligan.

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for your fast reply to my letter. However, I am fairly sure that you didn’t read it, since your only reply was a bunch of autographed memorabilia from your T.V. shows. I don’t know how much the "Party of Five" boardgame will come in handy, but these autographed LOST Kleenex (With real Matthew Fox tears!) will fetch a nice sum on Ebay.

That being said, I need to address the point of the matter. I do believe that you are infringing on my character of Gilligan from Gilligan’s Island. Your portrayal of the sad little sidekick-to-Sawyer is really starting to get close to the character I played on my show and as soon as I find a lawyer willing to take the lawsuit, I will sue you for it. I assume you must be making close to my salary by now, so if you enjoy that $32 dollars an episode you better cut it out!

You might assume that because your show is an hour long dramatic show, and mine was a 30 minute comedy that there is no way for this to take place, but allow me to cite specific examples:

See this dumfounded look here in your recent episode “There’s No Place Like Home”:

I perfected that look in the 1967 episode “The Hunter”:

While certainly the settings are similar, you’ll also notice that confused, dumb expression that is on my face. That took MONTHS of constant training, and you just rip it off with no remorse!

Also, you can see several instances of you using “stage crying” here:

I take GREAT offense to this. I cried a lot too on the set of Gilligan’s Island! Sure – most of it was off camera, but that’s just nit-picking. You are blatantly ripping my character off!

So Matthew, I hope you read this blog and understand that what you’re doing is wrong. Sure you might just be ignoring me because I’m “dead” and technically I am a “ghost”, but remember Elvis still makes more money than you do, so we’re not all just sitting on our hands on this side.

Anyway, I have to run. The coconut laptop is running out of juice, and I can’t find the Professor anywhere.

All my love,

The Ghost of Bob Denver!

"Open letter to Matthew Fox, from Gilligan" continued... click here to Read More!

N. P. Harris and A. M. Hall

Excerpt taken from the Chat Room for Celebrities with Three Names:

KneelPatrick: Yo?

AnthonyM_Hall: Hey, NPH. What’s up?

KneelPatrick: Not much, just got back from script meetings.

AnthonyM_Hall: Yeah, those put me to sleep.

KneelPatrick: sort of like your show, then?



AnthonyM_Hall: Yeah, right. Funny.

KneelPatrick: See, how your show’s been “put to sleep”? see how I did that…

AnthonyM_Hall: Um, yeah, Neil, Howsabout we don’t talk about that?

KneelPatrick: Oh, c’mon I was just kidding. You might get another job sometime. I hear they pay for voiceover work in videogames now.

AnthonyM_Hall: OK, Doogie, enough!

KneelPatrick: Hey! What are you saying? Doogie Howser was the bomb!

AnthonyM_Hall: Speaking of bombs, how did that Harold and Kamahl thing work out?

KneelPatrick: Harold and Kumar. It went fine. The overseas numbers were pretty strong.

AnthonyM_Hall: Cool, so you’re a big hit in Prague?

KneelPatrick: Hey, Molly Ringwald called, she wants her underwear back.

AnthonyM_Hall: What are you, 12?

KneelPatrick: No seriously, she wants ‘em. The pink ones.

AnthonyM_Hall: OK, I’ll call her.

AnthonyM_Hall: That was a classic flick, though, man.

KneelPatrick: Yeah, I remember I thought it was pretty funny. Of course I was too young to see it when it first came out.

AnthonyM_Hall: Age jokes now? You really are 12.

KneelPatrick: You look good for your age, though. Seriously. In the next Harold and Kamahl movie they’re looking for someone to play my Dad, you know. I could put in a good word…

AnthonyM_Hall: Kumar.

BrianDoyleMurray: Hey, guys, what’s up?

KneelPatrick: Sorry, man, this room is for celebrities only.

AnthonyM_Hall: Yeah, how’d you get in here?

BrianDoyleMurray: What do you mean? Didn’t you see Caddyshack? I was on SNL one year, you know.

KneelPatrick: What, after those first guys left?

AnthonyM_Hall: Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being on SNL.

KneelPatrick: Oh, yeah, you were on it, too, right? There’s a high point.

JenniferJasonL: Hey, what are you picking on Anthony for? He was good in Edward Scissorhands.

KneelPatrick: What, the ‘roided up Anthony? Hey, you know what steroids do to you, right Anthony?

AnthonyM_Hall: Hey, quiet down. I’ve been crushing on Jennifer since Fast Times. Even if she’s got ½ a guy’s name.

BrianDoyleMurray: I was almost in Fast Times you know.

KneelPatrick: Really? I don’t remember Bill being in that one.

BrianDoyleMurray: Well, he wasn’t, but… Wait – what are you saying?

Lou_Gossett_Junior: Hello everyone, hows my peeps?

BrianDoyleMurray: Aww man, who let Lou in again?

KneelPatrick: Lou, Jesus man, I thought we told you this room is for actors with THREE NAMES ONLY!

Lou_Gossett_Junior: What are you talking about?

Lou_Gossett_Junior: LOU

Lou_Gossett_Junior: GOSSET

Lou_Gossett_Junior: JUNIOR

AnthonyM_Hall: Lou, Junior doesn't count! Geez, do you know who we'd have to let in here if we let in every JUNIOR?

KneelPatrick: Harry Connick, Robert Downey....

Freddie_Prinze_Jr: HEY GUYS!

AnthonyM_Hall has left the room

BrianDoyleMurray has left the room

KneelPatrick has left the room

JenniferJasonL has left the room
"N. P. Harris and A. M. Hall" continued... click here to Read More!

10 Things Learned from the 1st Moon Landing

captured from an entry posted to the Celebrity Top 10 Lists web site:

10 Things We Learned from the First Moon Landing
posted by OneSmallStep_Man

1. A rock is a rock is a rock
   
2. Don't take urinals for granted
   
3. President Nixon's first name actually IS Dick. It's not just something people call him.
   
4. Gas pedal is on the right.
   
5. Weightlessness isn't that fun after the first few hours
   
6. Earth looks so small and helpless from up there, until you come crashing back into it and your heat shield barely holds.
   
7. Guys at Mission Control don't think "Hey, was that crack in the window always there?" joke is very funny.
   
8. Hot dogs don't taste as good when you have to squeeze them out of a tube
   
9. Don't go on a long trip with someone named "Buzz". Turns out he got his nickname from habit of making annoying noises all the time.
   
10. That Cronkite guy is really over rated
    

"10 Things Learned from the 1st Moon Landing" continued... click here to Read More!

Bruce Springsteen and Martin Scorcese

Captured from an Instant Messaging session between Bruce Springsteen and Martin Scorcese:

BornIndaUSA: Hey, Martin; what's up in the Big City?

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: Hard times for the working man, same as always. It ain't easy in the neighborhood, you know?

BornIndaUSA: Where are you, Little Italy?

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: well, no. I'm at a Sushi place on the upper West side. But still, it's rough out there.

BornIndaUSA: It isn't getting' any easier, man.

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: Not until January 20^th anyway.

BornIndaUSA: yeah, man, yeah.

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: oh, oh-oh-oh, Are you out on the streets?

BornIndaUSA:No, I'm at the back room at Trump's Casino.

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: It's rough out there in Atlantic City.

BornIndaUSA: Yeah, that was a good song, man. You won an Oscar for that movie, right?

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: that wasn't my movie. Anyway, what you up to for the weekend?

BornIndaUSA: I'm going to cruise down to Newark, and help out at a shelter. It's tough, man.

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: Yeah. Kids growing up there must think their future's going to be something special. Then life hits them hard.

BornIndaUSA: Yeah. That was a great song. Reminds me of that movie Wild at Heart. You got an Oscar for that, right? I mean, at least for screenplay or something?

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: That wasn't mine. Anyway, I'm speaking at a benefit for the Brooklyn YMCA tomorrow. I gotta help those kids. I was lucky to make it, and I want to help them get lucky too.

BornIndaUSA:I know they'll appreciate that man. How many kids are gonna be there?

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: oh, the kids won't be there. It's a black tie at a club uptown. I'm just afraid it'll be filled with a bunch of rich white guys who really know nothing about the gritty, Mean Streets.

BornIndaUSA: yeah, that was a good song. And you...

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: Nope! Not that one either. But at least it was mine. Anyway...

BornIndaUSA:Awww, that's the pizza guy. I hate the fancy food at these casinos, so I ordered delivery.

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: good idea. They're Open All Night, too.

BornIndaUSA: Hey, thanks man. I really appreciate it. Pepperoni and everything. Yeah, thanks.

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: are you typing to the pizza guy?

PizzaGuyNJ: so what? Is there something wrong with me, just cause I'm a pizza guy?

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: No, of course not. Did you know pizza's not italian? But wise guys still like it...

BornIndaUSA:hey, are you in our chat room on your little cell phone thing? That's not cool man.

PizzaGuyNJ: What do you know about wise guys? My uncle Vinnie's connected, he says your movies are bull.

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: What? My movies are real, you know? I'm just showing how it is out on the streets.

BornIndaUSA: yeah, that was a great song.

PizzaGuyNJ: oh, c'mon! What do you know about the streets? You're “The Boss” of lining in 7 bedroom mansions.

BornIndaUSA: That's not cool man. You know when I was your age, my pop used to yell at me all the time for my long hair.

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: He can just type into a phone and it comes out on the computer? Wow, cool.

BornIndaUSA: that was a good song, man.

PizzaGuyNJ: I grew up in Wayne NJ! The only guys who were cool were the ones who lived in the biggest trailer!

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: Yeah, I know what you're feeling

BornIndaUSA: I remember I wrote a song like that..

PizzaGuyNJ: shut up already! You guys make more money from one song or movie about “gritty life on the streets” than my family will make in their lifetime. You don't know what you're talking about!

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: I'm right there with you, man.

BornIndaUSA: yeah, I wrote a song like that. Great stuff, man.

PizzaGuyNJ: Yeah, right. I've gotta go head back to the store, and hope I can dodge the bullet fire.

BornIndaUSA: Did I tell you I had a friend was a big baseball player? It was back in high school...

PizzaGuyNJ: go to hell!

FinallyGotMyDamnOscar: damn! You aren't getting a good tip like that! And I bet you could use a few dollars more

BornIndaUSA:Did you get the oscar for that one? That was a great movie...

"Bruce Springsteen and Martin Scorcese" continued... click here to Read More!

Burton and Beck

Captured from the “Artists Who Make Weirdness” chat room, May 19, 2008:

BurtonReimaginer: Hellllllo? Anyone else here?

BeckJustBeck: Hey, Tim. What's up?

BurtonReimaginer: Not much. Just scribbling dark weird little creatures on the back of a matchbook.

BeckJustBeck: Not smokin?

BurtonReimaginer: Well, yeah. Of course I'm smokin'.

BeckJustBeck: that's good. I'm writing tunes on an instrument I got at a yard sale in Calcutta. No idea what it is though.

BurtonReimaginer: yeah, cool. Did you ever get to see Sweeney Todd?

BeckJustBeck: At least I think it's an instrument. Well, the tunes are coming out ok anyway.

BurtonReimaginer: That's ironic.

BeckJustBeck: well, of course it's ironic. I wrote it.

BurtonReimaginer: no, I mean that you didn't even answer my question.

BeckJustBeck: that's not ironic. It's weird.

BurtonReimaginer: well, of course it's weird, I said it.

BeckJustBeck: I saw some of Sweeney Todd, but I was depressed, so I left.

BurtonReimaginer: well thanks for that. But what's wrong with it, wasn't it weird?

BeckJustBeck: yeah, it was weird. But I think I was tripping, 'cause all of a sudden the knives were like merging into Depp's hands.

BurtonReimaginer: That's Edward Scissorhands.

BeckJustBeck: Umm... what's the difference between that and Sweeney Todd?

BurtonReimaginer: Well - uhh... Are you sure you were in the right theater?

BeckJustBeck: I think it was a marathon for National Tim Burton day. I could have been confused.

BurtonReimaginer: There isn't a Burton day. I have no idea why though. Don't people like weirdness anymore? I'm just as weird as I ever was.

BeckJustBeck: You can say that again. But don't.

BurtonReimaginer: I mean Wonka did ok, but what happened with Planet of the Apes? What's up with that?

BeckJustBeck: maybe it wasn't weird enough.

BurtonReimaginer: oh c'mon, everyone knows apes are the weirdest of mammals.

BeckJustBeck: what about the platypus?

BurtonReimaginer: ANYWAY.... I have the weirdest visuals, and people act like it's just ho-hum. I don't get it. It's dark, it's odd, it's weird – it's good, right?

BeckJustBeck: I'm gonna right a song about Captain Platypus – king of the mammals.

BurtonReimaginer: I think they lay eggs though, don't they

BeckJustBeck: hey, look who's talking!

USER BurtonReimaginer has left.

BeckJustBeck: Hello?

BeckJustBeck: ...Tim?

"Burton and Beck" continued... click here to Read More!

FROM D_RUMSFELD BLOG

Taken from Donald Rumsfeld's blog 6/19/08

I've been reading lately about how Kevin Garnett has transformed “The Celtics” into a defensive superpower. I stood by at first and remained quietly baffled, but I can not take it anymore. I need to tell everyone that I don't see how these guys have improved Defense one bit. Are we safer than we were last year?

Well, ok, yes we are.

But that's because of the surging of troops, not because of Mr. Garnett and his other long-shorts wearing compatriots. I know a thing or two about defense, after all, and I need to call a spade a spade. These alleged “Celtics” bring nothing to the defense table.

Comment from user Celtix_KG5:
Hey, Donnie, what?

Comment from user Rummy4Lyf:
I don't know exactly what you mean by “what”. I don't want to post the whole thing again. Perhaps you could scroll upwards?

Comment from user Celtix_KG5:
No, seriously, dawg, did you see any games? The Celtics had mad defense.

Comment from user Rummy4Lyf:
Defense is not a game, sir. It's serious business. Sometimes literally.

Comment from user Celtix_KG5:
yeah, I get that. But I was the defensive player of the year. I'm all about the defense.

Comment from user Rummy4Lyf:
you? Defense? Come on – you wear green all the time. Everyone knows the Green Party is a bunch of hippie-summeroflove-commies.

Comment from user Celtix_KG5:
Yeah, ok, did you see how we shut down Kobe?

Comment from user LA-PlayaKoB:
hey, what? Nobody shuts down Kobe, ya heard?

Comment from user Rummy4Lyf:
I don't know about that, but I think issues in the American beef industry are handled by the FDA, not the Dept. of Defense.

Comment from user LA-PlayaKoB:
yeah! Wait – what? You got beef wit me now?

Comment from user Celtix_KG5:
OK, Donnie boy, I'm thinking you don't know what you're talking about....

Comment from user Rummy4Lyf:
hey! I was the youngest, and the oldest Secretary of Defense ever, you know!

Comment from user Celtix_KG5:
that makes sense, you sound like you've got a little split personality going on there.

Comment from user Rummy4Lyf:
Do I support a strong defense? Yes. Do I love the USA? Of course. Do I need to ask myself questions as if I'm not in the room? Well, maybe you do have a point about that split personality thing... now that I think about it.

Comment from user LA_ZenCoach9:
I would blame the refs, Don.

Comment from user Rummy4Lyf:
I heard that. Word to ya Dubya

"FROM D_RUMSFELD BLOG" continued... click here to Read More!

from Mini_Me's Flickr

Hey everyone! I can't wait for my movie to be released this weekend. Sure, some people say Mike is using my height as a joke way to often, but man you should see the poontang I'm getting.

Anyway, here are some pictures I took at the premiere last weekend, what a blast we had!

Halle Berry, looking lovely as always:


You know who this is, don't you? They were gone halfway through, but I have a feeling they liked what they saw!

Hannah Montana was there, I think my height made her uncomfortable, she help crossing her legs like this. What Miley? I was just trying to get a picture!

The cast from Sex and the City. What lovely ladies, and I couldn't help but notice how nice their shoes were. I totally banged one of them that night - but I won't tell you who! (HINT: the carpet matches the drapes!)

This lovely lady needs no introduction! She was great in all those freaky Spider-Movies, but I bet someone she had died, because she hadn't been in anything since. It was great to see her again, even if it did cost me 100 bucks!

HA HA Look how drunk Mike's girlfriend got:

And of course, what would a party be without Brad!

Well as you can see I had a blast. Mike and I are talking about getting me into the next Shrek movie, so I gotta run!

-Verne

"from Mini_Me's Flickr" continued... click here to Read More!

From: I_C_Dead_Critics Blog - posted 06/16/2008

Man. I can't believe it. I guess you all know by now that my movie didn't fare so well, so I guess its time to come clean about the whole "tomatoes making you sick" thing.

After that "Lady in the Water" fiasco, I knew I had to do something BIG to get the people to see my next film. Then they went and cast that former-Funky-Bunch-boy-band-brother kid to play the lead, and the weird chick from Elf to play his love interest - and I knew I was screwed.


So, I called in a favor, (Bruce owed me after restarting his career), and hired that secret PR firm that can do anything - you know the one that threw the 2000 election for Al - and they had a great idea... A fake salmonella scare.

Yeah, see, my movie was about plants making people sick, so it really fit. I mean, if people we already scared of their salads from Del Taco, then holy crap this movie would make a lot of money... right?

RIGHT?

Wrong. So, now it's back to the drawing board. I don't know what movie I'll work on next, but I do know two things - 1. I think I'll play one of the parts myself, you know, to mix things up a bit... and 2. Well, I don't wanna give anything away but I'm thinking... "SURPRISE ENDING".

-M.

"From: I_C_Dead_Critics Blog - posted 06/16/2008" continued... click here to Read More!