Sarah Palin's Twitter

captured from Sarah Palin's twitter site.
October 3, 8:24am: Got up and went to the kitchen, saw 3 deers prancing across the back meadow through the window.
October 3, 8:26am: Got the shotgun.
October 3, 8:34am: dinner for tonight taken care of.
October 3, 9:20am: met with Don Rumsfeld to get rundown on the army and stuff.
October 3, 10:04am: finished soccer game with Rummy. took some notes on Pakistan.


October 3, 10:15am: have to head to dry goods store to pick up some things.
October 3, 10:25am: back to the house, forgot the fur. put it on and out to the store again.
October 3, 11:15am: back with shopping. pouring wet, ruined fur.
October 3, 11:45am: met with Condy to brush up on Diplomacy.
October 3, 12:15pm: took Condy trapping. took some notes on Israel. Turns out "diplomacy" is a lot like bitching at Martha from the PTA. Should be easy.
October 3, 12:45pm: Got to head out and listen to John. Probably complain about something I said to Joe last nite. If his memory holds out. Poor dear man.
October 3, 12:55pm: Shot a moose.
October 3, 1:15pm: Met with John. Not too bad. Try to say "umm" less. And wear tighter skirt.
"Sarah Palin's Twitter" continued... click here to Read More!

Rumor about the Jonas Bothers

Leaked by the secretary of President and CEO of Hollywood Records, Bob Cavallo, an email exchange that finally sheds light to truth of the much-hushed-about gay "scandal" regarding the Jonas Bros.

Subject: new tour manager
Date: August 3rd, 2008

Kevin,
I apologize for the misleading subject of this email but I didn't want to bring further speculation and attention to you.
That said, this issue must be addressed. It has been brought to my attention that one of the three of you plans to, as you'd say, "come out", and I think it's fairly obvious to us all who it is.

Now, I don't want to cause any more issues than the ones that have already come up. Your brothers have worked too hard to get the three of you to where you are, and it goes without saying how much revenue has been brought in by the success of this little band you three have here, but while these two have been winning the hearts of teenage girls and, admittedly, boys everywhere, image needs to be maintained. I think you know what I'm getting at. You've done a swell job of keeping up appearances with this good-Christian-boy facade you and your brothers have been tasked with for quite some time and I'd be bold enough to tell you right now not to muck that up. And need I remind you, which certain famous-ears own you?
Just keep this in mind. Your borthers have brought you far, Kevin, don't screw this up.

Yours,
Bob Cavallo
President & CEO Hollywood Records

--

Subject: Dude
Date: August 5th, 2008

What are you talking about?

Perplexed,
Kevin

--

Subject: Guitar strings
Date: August 5th, 2008

Exactly. I knew you'd understand.

Yours always,
Bob Cavallo
President & CEO Hollywood Records

P.S. I love you.
Call me!

--

Subject: Still Confused
Date: August 6th, 2008

Whatever dude.

Keep Rockin',
Kevin

P.S. Stop calling me. I recognize the heavy breathing. We will switch to Arista.
"Rumor about the Jonas Bothers" continued... click here to Read More!

Email Exchange decided the new name of "Hari Puttar: A comedy of Terrors"

Email exchange regarding the name change for “Hary Puttar”

From: bollywood_producer@india.india
To: Bollywood_lawyer@india.india

Subject: Other names for Hari Puttar.

Dear Lawyer,

Here are a few of the names I came up with for the “Hari Puttar” movie since the Americans are being so freaking touchy:

Since the movie takes place in the summer, and he used to live in the tropical area of India, I was thinking “Tropic Thunder” would make a lot of sense. No?

Or, alternatively, since Hari is such a strong willed character we could call him “The Iron Man”! Sounds good, yes?

One other one, just a quick thought, what about we play up the side of Hari that is darker even though he is more honorable and call him “The Dark Knight?”

So my new title idea is “The Dark Knight: An Iron Man makes a Tropic Thunder!”

Your Friend,

AP
----------
To: bollywood_producer@india.india
From: Bollywood_lawyer@india.india

Subject: RE: Other names for Hari Puttar.


My friend AP, are you kidding me with this? This is terrible. All of those names are names from movies made in Hollywood already. This year even!

Gujarat Berkowitz
---------

From: bollywood_producer@india.india
To: Bollywood_lawyer@india.india

Subject: RE:RE: Other names for Hari Puttar.

Dear Lawyer,

Mama Mia! These Americans have so many movies it’s hard to think of something that hasn’t been used, I don’t want to get involved in a Clone Wars. I mean, Hollywood and Bollywood are Step Brothers, you’d think they’d be a little more lenient! I’ve Wanted to work in Hollywood for a long time, but all their movies are about Sex and the Cities… yet one day they will Get Smart. We all voted on the new name, and it came down to a Swing Vote by Prince Caspian, but in the end we all decided on this:”Meet Dave”.

Your Friend,

AP
----------
To: bollywood_producer@india.india
From: Bollywood_lawyer@india.india

Subject: RE:RE:RE: Other names for Hari Puttar.

NO NO NO! Are you kidding me right now Paji? You are filled with Hollywood names, you must stop this.
Remember the music scene in the movie? Just call it “The Rocker” and be done with it.

-Gujarat Berkowitz
----------
From: bollywood_producer@india.india
To: Bollywood_lawyer@india.india

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Other names for Hari Puttar.

Wasn’t THAT a movie from this year too?

Your Friend,

AP
----------
To: bollywood_producer@india.india
From: Bollywood_lawyer@india.india

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: Other names for Hari Puttar.

Yes. But don’t worry, nobody saw it.

-Gujarat Berkowitz


"Email Exchange decided the new name of "Hari Puttar: A comedy of Terrors"" continued... click here to Read More!

Biden and the Democratic V.P.s

This conversation was captured from the chat room: "Democratic V.P. Nominees"
Joseph Biden: Hey, anyone here?
John Edwards: Hey, Joe! Congratulations!
Joseph Biden:: thanks, John. How's the wife?
John Edwards: funny, Joe. Did you write that one yourself, or steal it from some Labor Party Candidate?

Joe Lieberman: Hey, now let's keep it civil. We're all on the same team. Well, ok, not me. But still, let's keep it civil.
John Edwards: Lieberman? How'd you get in here, Mr. Independent? Don't they check your card at the door?
Joseph Biden: Let's calm down John. It's not like he's Newt Gingrich, you know.
Lloyd Bentsen: That's true. I knew Newt Gingrich. Newt Gingrich was a friend of mine. Lieberman is no Newt Gingrich.
Joe Lieberman: thanks, Lloyd.
Lloyd Bentsen: Yeah, Newt had much better hair than you. Didn't you have some personal consultant to help with that? I mean - do you even have a mirror?
Joe Lieberman: Ok, Lloyd, we get the point...
Lloyd Bentsen: I mean, I knew Jack Kennedy. That was some hair. That's how you win an election.
Joseph Biden: speaking of elections... I'm in one, in case you haven't heard.
Walter Mondale: Yeah, Joe, congratulations, and good luck with that.
Joseph Biden: Thanks, Walter. Any advice?
Walter Mondale: Sure, Joe! My advice is, don't let a maniacal Middle Eastern leader capture American hostages and hold them for 444 days.
Lloyd Bentsen: Yeah, and don't ride in a tank.
Joe Lieberman: Three words for ya, Joe: Chads, Chads, Chads.
"Biden and the Democratic V.P.s" continued... click here to Read More!

Dog Days for Chinese Olympic Gymnasts

We here at the Secret Blogs of Celebrities have spared no expense to bring you the latest in celebrity happenings, now we are pleased to present the “Language Transmuticator”, a device that can allow us to “translate” any language into English so that we can find out what goes on behind the scenes.

We were able to intercept an international telephone conference call between representatives of the International Olympic Committee, China’s Gymnastics Federation, and United States Gymnastics…Below us a transcript with the comments from Chinese participants automatically translated by our marvelous invention, the “Language Transmuticator”:


Jacques Rogge, President of the International Olympics Committee: Good afternoon, let’s begin.

Lu Shanzan, Coach of the Chinese Gymnastics Team: Ok, I ready.

Steve Penny, USA Gymnastics: I’m ready and I also have Bela Karolyi with me.

Rogge: Mr. Penny, what are your concerns regarding the members of the Chinese Gymnastics Team?

Penny: It is our contention that it has come to light that three of the team members do not appear to be of age to compete and this week some additional corroborating evidence has come to light and we respectfully request an inquiry into the ages of He Kexin, Yang Yilin and Jiang Yuyuan.

Rogge: Lu Shazan have you a response to the accusations?

Shanzan: Girls old enough.

Rogge: Uh, we need more information that just your word that they are old enough.

Bela Karolyi: Theya notta old enuff, theya girls notta old enough!

Penny: Bela, I’ll take it from here…What my compatriot is saying is that in the last week the Associated Press has found information from the Chinese Administration of Sport’s own web site that Miss He Kexin’s actual birthday is January 1, 1994, not 1992 as contended, which would make her only 14 and as the rules state a competitor must turn 16 during the year of the Games, therefore; she would be ineligible. There is also evidence that Miss Yang Yilin was born in 1993, also making her too young to be eligible. Additionally, Miss Yuyuan may only be 15.

Rogge: Coach Shanzan, your response?

Shanzan: Girls old enough. Chinese government give passports that say so. Girls old enough.

Karolyi: These-a girls-a notta olda nuff…Theya have a NO BOOBIES! There is a no development! They have NO BOOBIES, their-a hips a too small! They-a HAVE NO BOOBIES!

Penny: Bela! Be quiet! You’re here just for support…

Shanzan: At this competition, the Japanese gymnasts were just as small as the Chinese. Chinese competitors have for years all been small. It is a question of race. European and American athletes are all powerful, very robust. Chinese are by nature that small.

Karolyi: You sayin’ our-a girls are fat?

Rogge: Gentlemen, we’re getting off track. Let’s refocus. Coach Shanzan, the Associated Press says that He Kexin was born in 1994. Your rebuttal?

Shanzan: He Kexin born in the year of dog.

Penny: Wait, the year of the dog? Wasn’t that 1994?

Shanzan: It not matter if born in 1994.

Penny: IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE! She is only 14!

Shanzan: No, no, she born in year of dog. Dog have 7 year to one human. He Kexin is 98 year old in dog year. She PLENTY old to compete!

Rogge: What?

Shanzan: Yang Yilin born 1993, year of rooster. Rooster live 10 year to one human. Yilin 14 or 140 in rooster year. She also PLENTY old! You not know math!

Karolyi: They-a have-a NO BOOBIES! There is-a no development! They have NO BOOBIES, their-a hips are-a too small! They-a HAVE NO BOOBIES!

A fuse is blown and the connection is lost….

"Dog Days for Chinese Olympic Gymnasts" continued... click here to Read More!

Reaction of other athletes to Phelps winning 8 gold medals

Captured email sent to the International Olympic Committee
From: Usain Bolt, Gold Medal winner
To: IOC
Re: 8 gold medals
Phelps got tons of press with his winning 8 gold medals, and to the fans, it makes guys like me look like chumps. Hey, I won gold in my event! What more can I do?
But that's the frikkin' point. No one else could win 8 medals, 'cause there aren't enough events to do it! So, give me a frikkin' chance, how about it? So, here's some events that could be added to the next Olympics to give us a shot at it:
100m sprint with one hand tied behind your back.
100m sprint backwards
100m sprint while patting head and rubbing stomach
100m sprint while balancing egg on a spoon
100m sprint while reciting Soliloquy from Hamlet
100m sprint blindfolded

Irie,

Usain "Chest Thumpin" Bolt,

Gold Medal Winner

"Reaction of other athletes to Phelps winning 8 gold medals" continued... click here to Read More!

Presidential Chatroom 08-13-08 – Olympics, Georgia, and Obama

Presidential Chatroom 08-13-08 – Olympics, Georgia, and Obama

Condi_Ricecakes: Where is he already? I have a hair appointment in two hours!

Dick_Buckshot_Cheney: He’ll be here Condi, relax. You’ll have plenty of time…

Secret_Serviceman has entered the chatroom

Dick_Buckshot_Cheney: See, here it comes now.

Secret_Serviceman: I have entered the chatroom, and will ensure there are no possible attackers.

Secret_Serviceman: Ok. Area is clear, we’re a go for the President.

W_Bushie: Hehehe, Here I am everyone. Don’t panic.

Condi_Ricecakes: It’s OK Mr President, but we’ve told you before that you don’t have to send a secret serviceman into a chat room… it’s not a real room, and really possesses no danger.

W_Bushie: Oh, don’t be silly little lady… You can never be too careful. But I do love these new chats; I can pretend to workimacate right from my bedroom. Hehehe.

Dick_Buckshot_Cheney: You mean you CAN work from your bedroom, not pretend to… oh nevermind. We’ve got a lot to discuss today sir, we should get right to it.

W_Bushie: Alrighty-tighty. Let’s hop to it then Dickey.

Condi_Ricecakes: Well first sir, we should discuss this situation in Georgia. It seems Russia has claimed a cease-fire, but Georgia’s president is still reporting new attacks.

W_Bushie: Well, it’s like I said before, I’m in full support of Georgia. I love everything about it. The peaches, the Atlanta Falcon, Cartoon Network – all some of my favorite things. But since when did they get their own President?

Condi_Ricecakes: Sir. Wait. You think Russia has attacked Georgia, the STATE?

W_Bushie: Well DUH Condi, don’t you read the news? Hehehe, it’s not like there is a country named Georgia! Geez Dickey, don’t you think Condi here needs to learn some Geomagraphy?

Dick_Buckshot_Cheney: Uhh. Mr President – why don’t we let Mr. Gates handle that one, OK?

W_Bushie: Good idea. Bobby’s a good boy. What’s next?

Condi_Ricecakes: Well, the Olympics are in full swing; Michael Phelps won yet another gold medal, making him the world record holder at 11!

W_Bushie: Well then we should give him another one.

Dick_Buckshot_Cheney: Another one sir?

W_Bushie: Another gold medal Big Time. I mean, my motto has always been, “help those that already have enough”, and this kid has got so many gold medals, we might as well just give him another one, or maybe two.

Condi_Ricecakes: Sir, we can’t just give him medals. I mean, he has to win them! You have to EARN them!

W_Bushie: Ring ring, hello? Oh who’s this? It’s my Presidential Campaign from 2000 calling! He says that you’re dead wrong Condi. Hehehehe.

Condi_Ricecakes: Ok. Fine. I get your point. I’ll mark down to see if we can’t give him another gold medal. Now last on today’s agenda, lots of reports out about Obama talking about our policies and people are looking for an official response from the White House.

W_Bushie: Well, let’s just tell them we’re doing everything we can to track down these terrorists, so they don’t track us down here at home.

Dick_Buckshot_Cheney: No no sir, not Osama Bin Laden… Barack Obama, the Democratic Nominee for President?

W_Bushie: The Democrats have nominated a Terrorist? Sneaky. Why didn’t we think of that Dickey? I mean, a terrorist as president can probably find all them other terrorists hiding in the desert. Boy that really frosts my cornflakes.

Dick_Buckshot_Cheney: Why don’t you lie down sir, we’ll talk it from here.

W_Bushie: Good idea Quasimodo. I need to get some restimifcation.

W_Bushie has left the chatroom.

Condi_Ricecakes: Ok, so on the Obama thing, do what we always do?

Dick_Buckshot_Cheney: Yep – Tell some staffer to say something ridiculous and then fire him. "Presidential Chatroom 08-13-08 – Olympics, Georgia, and Obama" continued... click here to Read More!

Al Gore investigates the smog problem in China

the following is a transcript of a phone call between Al Gore and Chinese Government officials.
Al Gore: Hello, Mr Lee, thank you for speaking with me today. I wanted to call and express my concern about the air pollution problem recently in Beijing.
Chinese Gov't Representative Lee: Thank you for expressing your concern, Mr. Gore, however I can assure you, this problem is not recent.
Al Gore: Well, ok. But that's bad. See? And I'm an environmental activist. See?
Rep. Lee: Oh, I see. I thought you were an actor. I saw your performance in "An Inconvenient Truth", and you were hilarious.

Al Gore: Ok, but that wasn't a comedy, it was a documentary. Pollution is a real problem. That's the concern, the air pollution in Beijing, for instance, is a real problem for the Olympic athletes.
Rep. Lee: I see. Well, we've solved the issues you're speaking of for the Olympics. We've taken half of the cars off of the road in Beijing. Those drivers will not contribute any pollution to Beijing's air.
Al Gore: Ok, that's fixed it for the 2 weeks of the Olympics. But I'm concerned with harming the environment, for the future. what happens when the Olympics are ove, and those drivers go back to driving their cars?
Rep. Lee: They won't. We killed them.
Al Gore: excuse me? You killed those cars?
Rep. Lee: No, of course not. Just the drivers. We needed them to stop pollution, so we killed them. What else could we do?
Al Gore: Well, I thought you just made them stopped driving their cars?
Rep. Lee: Ha Ha. We could not rob them of their freedoms like that. They were people, you know, people with freewill. So, better to just kill them.
Al Gore: But, surely....
Rep. Lee: Look, these people were breathing before. You realize that every time they breathe out, they put carbon dioxide in the atmosphere? That's a pollutant. Now none of those people will spoil your precious environment.
Al Gore: Yes, thank you. But I don't see that ...
Rep. Lee: Wait - doesn't your country do this? what about Timothy MacVeigh? Didn't you kill him?
Al Gore: well, he was a convicted terrorist.
Rep. Lee: So were these people. Environmental Terrorists, with their breathing out all the time. They were Evil doers!
Al Gore: But I wouldn't say...
Rep. Lee: did I mention they were all also Muslims? And French Communists? And they worked on the animation for Jar-Jar Binks? "Al Gore investigates the smog problem in China" continued... click here to Read More!

Shark Tales: The Conversation

We here at the Secret Blogs of Celebrities have spared no expense to bring you the latest in celebrity happenings, now we are pleased to present the “Animal Transmuticator”, a device that can allow us to “translate” the language of animals into human language so that we can find out what they think about their celebrity encounters.

After much hard work, we bring you the conversation that occurred between two sand sharks off the coast of Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, not two weeks ago.

Shark1: So, I was sayin’ to da’ Mizzus, I’m tired of mackerel for dinner I wanna try something new.

Shark2: I hear ya. Ya, know, I heard this bullshark over near the beach mention this new species…it’s kinda like a variety of human.

Shark1: Gee, Herb, what’s it called?

Shark2: It’s called a metrosexual.

Shark1: Wonder what it tastes like?

Shark2: Let’s go see if we can find one…

(Sounds of water swishing and distant sounds of people playing in the shallow water of a beach.)

Shark1: I wonder where they are, these smell like regular humans, you got anything?

Shark2: *Sniffing* I don’t smell nothin’, wait! *sniffs vigorously* I do smell something different. It’s kinda like a human, but it smells different, more fruity, but not like real fruit, it has a chemical edge to it. Sort of like it’s marinaded in some fruit-scented chemical, no more than one chemical.

Shark1: *Sniffs vigorously* You’re right! There must be eight or nine different scents to it…I think I found it…it looks like a male human.

Shark2: Well, the size of the feet and legs looks male, but the leg’s hairless! No hair to get caught between my 85 teeth! Woo hoo! This is gonna be some feast!

Shark1: *licks lips in anticipation* Oh boy!

Shark2: This was my idea, I go first buddy!

(Sounds of water swishing, then from above human screams.)

Shark2: Num, num…wait! Eww! Eww! *spits out a toe* Eww! It’s nasty! Come on Frank! Let’s get outta here! I ain’t eatin’ no metrosexual! *coughs, sputters and tries to get taste out of his mouth*

Shark1: I guess mackerel doesn’t sound so bad after all! *snickers* Better you than me!

From above the water:

Man: OW! OW! SHAAAARRRRRK! I GOT BIT BY A SHARK! JAWS! HELP! HELP!

Lifeguard: I’m here to save you! Wait! Man, Stop thrashing around! Stand up! You’re only in four feet of water! Jeeze! Wait, aren’t you…

Ryan Seacrest: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s me. Now will you help me! I GOT BIT BY A SHARK!

The lifeguard carries Ryan up to the sand and sits him down.

Lifeguard: Aww , it ain’t nothin’. It hardly broke the skin! Wait, there’s a little tooth in it! *Pulls out a tiny tooth* He mustn’t have like the way you tasted. DUDE! He spit SEACREST OUT!

The sounds fades to the sounds of water swishing…

"Shark Tales: The Conversation" continued... click here to Read More!

French Swim Team response to USA winning the 4x100 relay

An Email sent from the French National Olympic Committee to the US Olympic committee:
From: French Nat Olympic Comm
To: USA Olympic Comm
Subject: bogus win of US team over France in Mens' 4x100 swim relay
Dear Messieurs and Madames; This letter is to inform you of our disgust at the way the US Men's swim team stole the 4x100 gold medal from the courageous and proud French team. We will be filing a formal grievance with the IOC, of course, but we also wanted to personally deliver this message.
The event was so close as to be called a "finger tip win." Be advised that we are fully aware that you Americans grow your fingernails abnormally long, for the purpose of more effectively torturing alleged suspects confined in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

We also intend to prove that your fingernails were artificially enhanced with the help of Human Growth Hormones, under the direction of noted expert Barry Bonds.
This is the true explanation for his absence from your American baseball league this year (did you really think we'd think the Home Run king could not get a job? You silly Yankees.)
In protest of this blatant cheating, we will be recalling all of our fries, toast and dressing. I'm sure you will come around to our way of thinking, as we all know you fat Yankees are addicted to McDonald's, and will never survive without French Fries with your Heureaux Meals. When you come to your senses, please deliver the Gold medals to the nearest Au Bon Pain restaurant, and the manager will see that the medals get in the right hands.

oh, and don't even think about flying over us to bomb whoever's in your axis of evil this week.

Au Revoir,
France
"French Swim Team response to USA winning the 4x100 relay" continued... click here to Read More!

China Blocks Websites at Olympics

excerpts from an email Exchange between the International Olympic Committee and the Chinese Government's committee for information exchange.

from IOC: Dear Committee members; Congratulations on a fantastic opening ceremony!
We are writing because we've heard from some reporters that some web sites are blocked to them. In previous discussions, you had promised that all web sites would be accessible to all journalists. Please advise, regards.

from China Info Committee: Dear IOC; thank you for the congratulations. We're glad you liked it. As far as the web sites, we have unblocked nearly all web sites for journalists. The few that remain blocked are related to Falun Gong, the terrorist organization. I am sure you can see that we must do this - it's a matter of national security. Regards

from IOC: Dear Committee members; thanks you for your reponse, it was very helpful. We understand your concerns with national security, but we still have a few more questions. Why is the official site for "America's Got Talent" blocked?


from China Info Committee: Dear IOC; thank you for your replies. As far as the "America's Got Talent" site - we blocked that for the journalist's protection. I mean, seriously, have you seen it? I'm sure the USA government would not approve of that, it must have been created by some commando group, right? Maybe a group of deaf and blind commandos? Regards.

from IOC: Dear Committee members; thanks for your reply. We suppose you have a point there. But, we've also heard that the Democratic National Committee's site is blocked. This is entirely partisan, and we cannot put up with any political grandstanding. Regards.

from China Info Committee: Dear IOC; We are very sorry about that. Wait - that was real? We thought it was some parody, or farce? Sorry about that one.
P.S. really? Howard Dean? really?

from IOC: Dear Committee members; Umm, yes, anyway. So, we've also heard that the site for the TV sitcom "According to Jim" is blocked. Could you explain this? Regards.

from China Info Committee: Dear IOC; Yes, it is.
Umm, you think this is a bad thing? Really, we thought it was a health issue. To make sure we have fewer incidents of people gouging their eyes out.
Really - don't you have any schools over there that teach some sort of arts, or culture? Regards


"China Blocks Websites at Olympics" continued... click here to Read More!

Kiefer Sutherland and the Anthrax Attacks

Excerpt taken from Kiefer Sutherland's personal blog: "Jack24"
Who leaked our plot?
August 3, 2008
So I read these articles about an arrest made of Dr. Bruce Ivins for the anthrax attacks in the US. In the article it said, "Officials wouldn't answer questions about why Ivins was allowed to continue working with dangerous biological agents after they identified him as a suspect in the so-called Amerithrax investigation."
What the Hell? Did some writer leak this? The season doesn't start until December, the plot's still supposed to be under wraps.

This reality TV thing is out of hand.
August 4, 2008
So I finally get the FBI to talk to me, and some wacko agent says "It's not the plot of a TV show, it's real"
Look - 24 is not some crappy "reality show" pal, it's quality drama. And then he asks me, "hey, when do they show the episodes with you just sleeping for an hour.?" Good one, real original. Like I haven't heard that before.

Seriously, can you believe this?
August 5, 2008
So now I call my agent about this whole anthrax plot leak, and he tells me it really happened. Come on - who's gonna believe that? We make great TV, but no one's gonna believe this wacked out "how's the world gonna almost-but-not-quite-end this time" could actually happen!

Getting to the bottom of it.
August 6, 2008
So I had to call up the head writer, and find out what's the deal with anthrax thing. I mean, I read about it days ago. The show's called "24", not "96". If you're gonna rip off a plot, could you at least maintain the format.
But the writer first tells me that it was just luck, that this Scientist guy really did attack the US. So I say, "I know writers work late hours, but you gotta slow down on the speed, son - you're hallucinating."
He doesn't say anything for a while, then says, yeah, well, we're not using that anthrax plot anyway. I'm working on a cool re-write now. He wouldn't tell me much, but he said it involved flagpoles, and some skydiving for me.

Now that's what I'm talking about! That'll REAM the competition!
"Kiefer Sutherland and the Anthrax Attacks" continued... click here to Read More!

Chatroom for actresses considered for the role of Hannah Montana

Chatroom for actresses considered for the role of Hannah Montana.

Miley_Billysbaby_Cyrus has entered the chatroom.

Miley_Billysbaby_Cyrus: Hello? Anyone here?

JoJo_you_know: Hey Miley, it’s me JoJo.

Miley_Billysbaby_Cyrus: Oh wow, I didn’t know anyone even used this chat room! I mean. I’ve been so busy I haven’t really had time to check!

JoJo_you_know: Oh yeah, I like to come in here just to think… I mean… I am busy too you know!?



Miley_Billysbaby_Cyrus: Oh for sure, yeah I mean… I’ve heard you’ve been… busy.

JoJo_you_know: Yeah, I mean… did you hear about my movie? It opens on August 9th on Lifetime! I mean, the previews are through the roof – we’re thinking we might get like 2 million viewers!!

Miley_Billysbaby_Cyrus: Oh good for you! I remember when my movie concert broke the 50 Million dollar mark… we had so much fun that night!

JoJo_you_know: Oh. Right. Forgot about that. Well I AM releasing a new album this year, and since my last album debuted at number 3, we’re really hoping for a number 2 this time! *CROSSES FINGERS*

Miley_Billysbaby_Cyrus: Oh I KNOW! I was wearing the same socks the day my SECOND album debuted at number 1, so when my THIRD album debuted last month they made me wear the socks again… and YEP! It worked, three albums, three number ones!

JoJo_you_know: …. Oh…. Yeah…

Miley_Billysbaby_Cyrus: The socks are now dipped in gold and hanging at the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame! LOL My dad can be so silly.

JoJo_you_know: yeah, well, I mean I’ve got to work with some AMAZING actors! I mean Robin Williams is an ICON.

Miley_Billysbaby_Cyrus: Oh isn’t that fun! I mean, not only is my dad famous, but I’ve got to work with Dolly Parton, and just recently with so many cool dancers and famous people…

JoJo_you_know: YOU KNOW, YOU DON’T HAVE TO RUB IT IN MY FACE MILEY. I GET IT. I TURNED IT DOWN, OK? I MEAN YOU’VE GOT ALL THE MONEY AND ALL THE FAME AND GET TO WORK WITH ALL THE FAMOUS PEOPLE! I GET IT!

Miley_Billysbaby_Cyrus: Heeeeey… No JoJo, I TOTALLY respect your choice to turn it down. I mean, your doing your own work, and I appreciate that. Besides, didn’t you get to work with Valerie Bertinelli in your last movie?

JoJo_you_know has left the chatroom.

Miley_Billysbaby_Cyrus: Hello? JoJo? You there?

Jordan_McCoy has entered the chatroom

Jordan_McCoy: HEY MILEY!

Miley_Billysbaby_Cyrus: Hi. Wait, who is this?

"Chatroom for actresses considered for the role of Hannah Montana" continued... click here to Read More!

Dropping a Dime on Designers

This is a transcript of a call that was intercepted between three of the hottest Hollywood fashion designers…the designers have been given pseudonyms to protect their identities.

Designer1: Morning everyone, shall we begin?

Designer2: Sure.

Designer3: Ok…I think the first thing we need to address is the next big trend.

D1: I agree. I think it’s still accessories. Those oversized bug eye sunglasses went over very well.

D3: I can’t believe they became so big…The trend I mean, not just the size of the lenses.

D2: Who’d have thought that they’d believe something that makes them look like a reject from the latest “Return of the Fly” movie would make them ‘cool’?

D3: No doubt. I got Ashley Olson to wear a headband around the front of her head, instead of over it.

D2: I saw that Lourdes, Madonna’s daughter, copied that too! *laughs*

D1: Well I got Mary-Kate to wear a bright watercolor print Mumu and she only weighs like 80 lbs…that was a hoot!

D2: Nothing beats the time I got Bjork to wear that swan dress! *snorts*

D3: Remember when I got Lara Flynn-Boyle to wear a tutu with faux ballet slippers that had ribbons that went up her legs…she was so thin…It’s easier to dress a broom handle!

D2: Don’t forget the time I got Celine Dion to wear her suit backwards to the Grammy’s that was so crazy!

D1: Did either of you ever think back in design school that you would get to wield such power? I mean think about it…we say something is cool and trendy and it is….

D3: I was thinking…wouldn’t it be funny to say, make a dress out of a hefty trash bag and tell them it was the newest thing in “green” clothing?

D2: *snorts* I know, right? I’ll still never forgive myself to introducing Ashton Kutcher to trucker hats…that is worse than a hefty bag!

The call is disconnected…

"Dropping a Dime on Designers" continued... click here to Read More!

The REAL reason the Green Bay Packers Don't Want Brett Favre Back

The Real Reason Green Bay Doesn’t Want Brett Favre Back…The Madden Curse!

The following is a transcript of an intercepted conference call between former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre, his agent Bus Cook and Mike McCarthy coach of the Packers.

Brett Favre: Hi, Mike.


Mike McCarthy: Hi, Brett, let’s get started.


Bus Cook: Mike, I’m on the line as well.


McCarthy: Oh hi, Bus. As I said, let’s get started.


Favre: Mike, I really want to play. I am ready for training camp.


Cook: Mike, what my client is trying to say is that he is physically prepared for camp and will show up as required.


McCarthy: Brett, we’ve been through this before, I don’t know what to say. We’ve retooled the team and we really can’t offer you the starting position. Now if you’d want to be back up to Aaron Rogers, we can talk.


Favre: Mike, I understand that but the situation has changed, I’m not ready to retire, I’ve applied for reinstatement.


Cook: What my client is trying to say is that with his letter being sent to the Commissioner, he is ready, willing and able to report to camp.


McCarthy: Ok, look, Brett, there is also another factor that precludes us from wanting you back.


Cook: Mike, we’ve followed the league’s requirements…


McCarthy: It’s not that. It’s the Madden Curse.


Favre: The MADDEN CURSE! You can’t be serious!


Cook: What my client is trying to say is what the hell do you mean the Madden Curse!


McCarthy: Look, had you not been picked for the cover of Madden NFL 2009, we might have reconsidered. As it is, we are not willing to take that chance.


Favre: What do you mean?


McCarthy: Look, in 2000 Barry Sanders was on the first cover…He NEVER played a down that season or any other season for that matter. In 2001, it was Eddie George bobbled the pass which was run back for a touchdown in the Divisional Playoffs and that kept them from the playoffs, the year after that was his worst year ever. 2002, Dante Culpepper and the Vikings ended up 5-11 and Culpepper tore up his knee and didn’t even finish the season.


Cook: You mean you’re refusing my client based on superstition?


McCarthy: I’m not done yet. 2004 was Michael Vick…he broke his leg the day after the game came out and only came back for the last five games of the season. 2005 Ray Lewis had his worst year ever without even one interception and he tore up his hamstring and missed most of the season. Then in 2006, you have the whole Donovan McNabb fiasco. He said he didn’t believe, he got a sports hernia in the first game, suffered through eight more games before sitting out the rest of the season and they finished last in their division.


Favre: Wait…


McCarthy: Then in ’07 you have Shawn Alexander, who broke his foot three weeks into the season. Then last year, it was Vince Young who suffered the first injury in his career that kept him from a game…that torn quad ruined their season.


Favre: You can’t be serious!


Cook: What my client means is that you can’t use this stupid curse crap to keep him from playing!


McCarthy: Look the ownership group is quite superstitious. We’ve talked it over. We’ll give you TWENTY MILLION dollars NOT to play this year. Brett, that’s a lot of money.


Favre: You can’t be serious! I can’t believe…


Cook: What my client is trying to say is we will consider taking the money…let him talk to his wife and we’ll get back to you…

The call is disconnected. "The REAL reason the Green Bay Packers Don't Want Brett Favre Back" continued... click here to Read More!

Barry Bonds Twitter

Captured from Barry Bonds Twitter page:
8:00 am: Checked phone messages. None there.
8:12 am: Called agent to check if he had any messages for me. He had none.
8:20 am: Called Hotel front desk to check if they had any messages for me. Hotel Clerk reminded me that they only take messages for people staying at the hotel, and I am at my house. Obviously he's a racist.
8:36 am: went out to mailbox to check mail. Nothing there.
8:45 am: Called post office to complain about slow mail service. Gave me some BS about schedules and stuff. Must be racists.
8:56 am: Called post office back. They had no messages for me.
9:10 am: Called post office back, still have not got mail. I told them I'd give his name to Jose Canseco if he didn't deliver mail right now. Guy accused me of BLACKmail. See, I was right, he's a racist.
10:00 am: called agent again. No messages. Told me he'd call if he hears anything. He thinks all GMs are racists.
10:35 am: Checked into hotel.
10:36 am: Called front desk to check messages, they had none.
11:00 am: Called agent. He said to stop calling, he was working. I'm beginning to think he might be a racist.
11:35 am: Went down to hotel front desk to see if mail was there. Still nothing.
12:10 pm: Called agent to see if he can get me into a better hotel. Line is disconnected. Damn Racist. I'm gonna go call Al Sharpton
"Barry Bonds Twitter" continued... click here to Read More!

Excerpt taken from the “Online Draft for Un-Represented Talents"

ROUND 14 of 14

Draft_Manager: OK guys, last round! Remember, just like in the other rounds, you have 3 minutes to select your talent, and once you made your decision you cannot go back. Good luck gentlemen.

Sal_Rosdenburg: Alright, for my first pick, I am going to take Baby Tiffany!

Mark_Epstein: Wait, you mean that kid who fell down the well in the 80’s?

Sal_Rosdenburg: No no, that was Baby Jessica, this one was trapped in a schoolbus overnight in 1991. She’s releasing an album in June.

Ronnie_Cohen: Meh, Jessica is a recluse now; I picked her up in the draft a few years ago. Anyway, for my pick I’m taking the “Can you hear me now?” guy from those cellphone commercials!

Kevin_Katz: Oh good one, good one.

Sal_Rosdenburg: Yeah nice snag. I didn’t think he’d drop this low, I forgot all about it.

Ronnie_Cohen: Apparently it’s the only line he can memorize – but I think with some editing I can make him into a star.

Kevin_Katz: Alright Ronnie calm down…. I’ve got a better pick. This round I am taking Julie “Bulldog” Crossley.

Ronnie_Cohen: Who?

Stew_McPhee: Yeah WHO?

Kevin_Katz: Ol’ Bulldog was the runner up for the USARPS league championship.

Stew_McPhee: Oh…. Wait, WHO?

Kevin_Katz: *SIGH* She’s the runner up for the Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship.

Stew_McPhee: Damn, not bad… not bad. Ok who is left?

Kevin_Katz: Not much man…

Sal_Rosdenburg: Yeah it’s getting pretty slim pickings.

Stew_McPhee: OK, OK, I’ll guess I’ll take “Chirpy” the pigeon who steals chips from the convenience store when the door opens… maybe Lays will be interested!

Brian_Ronstein: NOOOOOOOOO! DAMN YOU!

Stew_McPhee: Ha ha, sorry man….

Kevin_Katz: Oh Brian, only ONE pick left.

Mark_Epstein: Ha ha, that sucks Brian… good luck man.

Brian_Ronstein: Do I HAVE to take him?

Draft_Manager: Sorry Brian, but the rules state you have to take an available talent, or lose all your picks from the previous rounds.

Brian_Ronstein: Man, that’s a tough call…

Draft_Manager: You have ONE minute left.

Brian_Ronstein: *SIGH* Ok, fine… I take…. Andy Dick.

Brian Ronstein has left the chat.

" " continued... click here to Read More!

Speed Racer Traffic Report

an excerpt from a morning TV news report
News Anchor Chip Rollins: ...Ha, Ha, that's great, Michelle, sounds like a fabulous weekend. Now for a look at the traffic, let's turn to our new traffic reporter, Greg "Speed" Racer. Greg?
Speed Racer: Ah, thanks Mr. Rollins. Well, out on Shoreline Drive, there's sure a lot of cars out there. And man - they look like ants from up here! I'm used to being right down there on the hot top, not up here in the chopper, you know? But since my movie didn't do so good, I had to take this freaking job.
Chip Rollins: haha! Right! Now Speed, could you let us know how the traffic is moving?
Speed Racer: Moving? Out on the nterstate, they're barely moving at all! I mean c'mon, the gas is on the right, Gramma! Crank it up!

Chip Rollins: Umm, ok. But Speed, the pictures that they're showing us now aren't exactly bumper to bumper traffic, you know? It looks like the cars are moving pretty well for rush hour, maybe 50 mph?
Speed Racer: 50? Are you kidding? When I beat the masked racer, I averaged over 200 mph! And I had to jump a canyon with my super-stilts! That's button "A" for you kids at home.
Chip Rollins: Right, so anyway...
Speed Racer: and what the hell do you mean, "bumper to bumper"? There's gotta be 4 or 5 feet between some of those cars! When I won the Amazon Super Race, I was so close to the Phantom Racer he was cutting through my car with his buzzsaw arms! That's bumper to bumper!
Chip Rollins: Ha, ha, right! But I don't think our friends will be seeing any buzzsaws out on the Expressway today, thanks Speed...
Speed Racer: well, if they do, they can just send out their micro homing robots to....

Speed's feed is mysteriously cut off.

"Speed Racer Traffic Report" continued... click here to Read More!

If Only Eddie Murphy were Eddie Money

The following was taken from an intercepted call between Eddie Murphy and his agent, Bob Grabow.

Eddie Murphy: Morning Bob, what have you got for me today?
Bob Grabow: Well, Eddie, the news on your last movie, Meet Dave, is not good. It was only number seven last week and this week it is already out of the top ten. I’m sorry.
Eddie: Bob, this is unacceptable… I’m just sayin’ I don’t need another Pluto Nash here, Bob.
Bob: Now Eddie, I’ve tried to help you out money-wise as best I can. Didn’t I get you two roles in Meet Dave?
Eddie: Yeah, but you got me three roles and a producer credit for Norbit.

Bob: I did, but….
Eddie: And I had eight roles and an executive producer credit for Nutty Professor II…
Bob: Ok, Eddie, you want to know why your revenue is down? You demanded separate salaries, trailers and assistants for each character! That’s eight salaries, eight trailers, eight assistants, not to mention your salary as an executive producer. That cuts into profits! Nutty Professor II did ok, but not that well. People are getting tired of seeing you in multiple roles.
Eddie: Bob, I’ve got EIGHT KIDS and four baby mommas…do you have any idea of what that does to my bankroll?
Bob: Now Eddie…I’ve got some work lined up for you, Shrek 4, Shrek 5, The Incredible Shrinking Man, The Romeo and Juliet project and they just green-lit Beverly Hills Cop IV. What more can you ask? I’ve got you working until 2013….and don’t forget all the corporate speaking dates I made for you.
Eddie: You’re right, Bob, I just got to relax….I’m getting too uptight.

A voice from the background is overheard…

Mr. Murphy, baby momma number four is on line two…

Eddie: Valerie, can’t you see I’m on the phone with my agent? Tell Mel B the Spice Girl the check’s in the mail! Sheesh.
Bob: Are you back, Eddie?
Eddie: Yes, sorry Bob, where were we?

Bob: I was reminding you to relax, even if Meet Dave doesn’t meet expectations, you’ve got work lined up…

A voice from the background is overheard…

Mr. Murphy, baby momma number two is on line three….

Eddie: Consuela, I just told Valerie that I’m on the phone! You tell that woman that I paid the college tuition and set up a credit card for him…

Eddie: Sorry Bob, it’s a little busy here, you know with back to school and all…
Bob: Oh I know how that is, I put mine through school and now they work with me…can you imagine?
Eddie: Man, I don’t know how you stand it…


A voice from the background is overheard…

Mr. Murphy, your ex is on line four…

Eddie: Qualeesha, you make sure the secretarial pool out there knows I’m on the phone…and tell her I mailed the check yesterday and I did include the money for Zola’s riding lessons…Now tell everyone to leave me alone, I’m on the phone!

*deep breathing*

Bob: You ok Eddie?
Eddie: Yeah, yeah…
Bob: As I was saying between the projects I’ve already lined up and the corporate events, you’ll be a very busy man…Eddie: When you say corporate events, what exactly are you saying?Bob: These businesses hire you to come to their conventions or what not and do an hour or so of “clean” stand up comedy and then pay you hideously large sums of money. They pay travel expenses too.
Eddie: Oh wow…so it looks like we’ll have money coming in for a while?


A voice from the background is overheard…

Mr. Murphy, baby momma number one is on the phone…

Eddie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Click! The phone call is disconnected.

"If Only Eddie Murphy were Eddie Money" continued... click here to Read More!

Hard Times in Hollywood

The following is an excerpt taken from a little known celebrity chat room for celebrities who have done prison time:

MarthaS: you mix the packets of ketchup, relish and two fingers full of Cheese Whiz and that is how you make nacho dip in the “big house”.
DontMesswiththeLohan: I’ll keep that in mind.
ParisHotel: That’s hot.
KhloeKard: Oh sweet Jebus, thank GAWD I’m out!
ParisHotel: Hi, Khloe, how was the pokey? *snickers*
KhloeKard: UH! Lynnwood sux! That was the longest day of my life!


DontMesswiththeLohan: I know right, time goes so slow in prison!
NicoleisRich: LiLo, like you even have a clue. You only did EIGHTY-FOUR minutes.
ParisHotel: Give it up, Nicole, you did even less, eighty-TWO minutes. Khloe did more time, 173 minutes is nothing to sneeze at, that’s hot.
DontmesswiththeLohan: SO! Who are you to say anything?
ParisHotel: I did hard time, baby, hard time, 22 DAYS. If you three added your time it wouldn’t even be a day! That’s why I can make you my biotch! Ohh, that’s hot!
NicoleisRich: Yeah, well I spent six weeks in an airstream trailer with you! Simple Life my ass! That was worse than any time in Lynnwood!
MarthaS: Ladies, ladies. Now, far be it from me to mention I actually did hard time, five months…In a Federal prison.
KhloeKard: Uh, don’t they call that prison “Camp Cupcake”?

MarthaS
: I thought they called it Camp Cupcake since I taught my "home girls" to make cupcakes using only pitabread, mocha coffee mate creamer and water!

ParisHotel: Daaamn, lady, and they say I'm not bright. At least I'm hot.

MarthaS: But my agent said they renamed it....I gotta go call my agent!


MarthaS has left the room



IamJackBauer: Afternoon, ladies. It's 3pm only 9 hours left in today...then a new 24 hours begins.

DontMesswiththeLohan: Hi, Kiefer. Not to be rude, but are you sure you're in the right place?

NicoleisRich: Yeah, this is the celebrity chatroom for those of us who have done TIME.

KhloeKard: And not just for a role...

IamJackBauer: Hello!? I just did 48 DAYS! My entire sentence! I spent my birthday, Christmas and New Year's in jail...You little punks couldn't handle the time I've done...wussies...

KhloeKard has left the room.

NicoleisRich has left the room.

DontMesswiththeLohan has left the room.

ParisHotel
: Oh, you've done real time...That's HOT! Wanna go to The Ivy for lunch?

IamJackBauer: Err, no, I've got five commercial voice overs to do today....

Connection to the chat room has been lost.
"Hard Times in Hollywood" continued... click here to Read More!

William Peterson leaving CSI

from an email from William Peterson to the producers of "CSI":

Hi Guys; I know we've talked about this before, but I've made my final decision: I'm leaving the show. I mean, the episodes we've already partially filmed I'll help finish, just for creative integrity, of course. I know you've already got the script for the one where I appear shirtless, and there's that group of models in trouble. But after that, I've really got to go.
Frankly, I'm not sure where the show can go anymore, creatively. I think murder has been done to death.



I think all the shots of travelling through blood from a bullets' perspective are cool and stuff, but it just isn't fresh anymore. And that idea you were bouncing around: the shot through the blood, but with me shrunk down travelling through the blood in a nano-spaceship? Ummm... Can you hear that? That's the "it's done" bell!!!

I mean, maybe I could do a guest shot or something, if you try to carry on without me. Like, I don't know, if Jorja Fox was coming back, and the plot really calls for a hot love scene. Well, I'll see if I can make some time.

But aside from that, I'm not sure what else you could do? I think we've killed everyone there is to kill, and in every way there is to die. I saw the whiteboard in the writers' room. I mean, "guy impaled on show girl's high heel", "old man's head sliced off by out of control roulette wheel", "woman asphyxiates from Celine Dion withdrawal"? Seriously, I hear that "all done" bell ringing louder. And that idea about the guy killing someone and cooking his liver? sounds familiar.

I can't even wash the finger print powder off my hands anymore. Besides, it's been like 9 years, aren't audiences eventually going to figure out that forensics people really don't actually catch anyone, they are just lab geeks?

OK, I gotta go live and die in you know where,

Bill "William Peterson leaving CSI" continued... click here to Read More!

Miley's not so Smiley

The following is a transcript of footage taken from a hidden camera during the photo session with Miley Cyrus and famed photographer Annie Leibovitz.

Annie Leibovitz: Ok, Billy Ray, one more with Miley and you’ll be done.
Billy Ray Cyrus: That’s cool, I gotta be on a plane in an hour…If I miss it my heart will be all “Achy Breaky”. Get it? Achy Breaky Heart!
Annie: Uh, yeah. That will be all. Want to see the last one?
Billy Ray: Whoo wee. The pictures look good! Now I’d best skedaddle or I’ll miss that flight! Miley, you listen to Annie, ya hear?



Miley: Bye Dad! I'll be an angel, like always! Don't worry about me!
Annie: Ok, Miley, I have this pink chiffon party dress for you to change into.
Miley: Oh, Annie, I’m so tired of being seen as this little girl…Can’t we do something more, well grown up?
Annie: Well I could get you some pearls to go with the dress…
Miley: *snorts* That is so NOT what I meant? Sweet niblets! Here, look at these pictures I took with my cellphone…This is me in my favorite bra, this is me in my favorite white shirt in the shower…It’s sooooo hot!
Annie: Miley, I’m not sure…
Miley: And here’s one of me kissing my bff Mandy.
Annie: Well, we could try something different.
Miley: I wanna do something artsy…not skanky. I wanna take my top off.
Annie: Miley! I’m not gonna take a photo of you naked. There are people that will construe it as “child porn”.
Miley: But nekkid is soooo artsy!
Annie: I’m not sure about this…
Miley: Well, all right, gimme that sheet! I’ll cover my tatters.

And the rest is tabloid history.

"Miley's not so Smiley" continued... click here to Read More!

Scream 4 brainstorming session

captured from the "Scream 4 brainstorming session" Private Chatroom

K_teenangst_Williamson has entered the chatroom.

Wes_Craven_some_more: Kevin, buddy, you made it!

K_teenangst_Williamson: Yeah, man, I told you I would... and AAMOF I think I may have an idea.

Studio_exec1: Hey that's good news man!

Studio_exec2: Yeah, we're glad to hear it.

K_teenangst_Williamson: Wait.. WTF are they doing here?

Wes_Craven_some_more: Oh, them? Just some studio execs, they like to hear about my ideas and sometimes have some really good input.

Studio_exec1: Yeah, remember that bottle of Pepsi Rachel McAdams drank in "Red Eye"? All me baby!


Wes_Craven_some_more: That's right! Product placement is gold baby! Anyway, let's hear this idea Kevin!

K_teenangst_Williamson: LOL Ok, well it starts with a highschool. We're introduced to these two characters, the one is a girl who isn't really sure who she is, and the other is her boyfriend who wants to make the girl fall in love with him.

Wes_Craven_some_more: Wait... this sounds familiar...

K_teenangst_Williamson: Well, we find out these two have been friends since they were kids and they are each other's first REAL love. <3

Wes_Craven_some_more: GODDAMMIT Kevin. You already WROTE this shit - 10 years ago!

K_teenangst_Williamson: What are you talking about?

Wes_Craven_some_more: Dude, that's "Dawson's Creek!"

K_teenangst_Williamson: OMG man, whatever! I did that show forever ago! Besides, AFAIK teenage angst is IN right now.

Studio_exec2: Wait, what if the girl always wore Osh Kosh jeans, we've got a pending contract with them.

Studio_exec1: Oh, and she has to be addicted to Red Bull. Red Bull is real popular with the teen demos.

Wes_Craven_some_more: Guys, shut up. Kevin - listen man, I understand that teenage love stories are popular, but this one just sounds like that show!

K_teenangst_Williamson: Ur just being mean... besides, it was ONE show - why can't I write about teenagers falling in love again.

Wes_Craven_some_more: Uh... you did. What about those "Last Summer" movies?

K_teenangst_Williamson: You mean IKWYDLS? Dude, that was totally different - in those movies the teenage girls were BLONDE.

Wes_Craven_some_more: Kevin, man, listen. You've done the teenager thing... a LOT. Scream, I Know What You did Last Summer, The Faculty, Dawson's Creek, Teaching Mrs Tingle, Hidden Palms... maybe it's time you wrote something about some OLDER people.

K_teenangst_Williamson: Why? Teenagers are awesome... I mean, I identify so much with all their issues, and fumbling through awkward sexual conversations...
Wes_Craven_some_more: Dude... you're starting to freak ME out... you're 43 years OLD!

K_teenangst_Williamson: OO what if the male character has had a lifelong dream to become a director, AND he might be gay! huh? Whatcha think?

Wes_Craven_some_more: You've GOT to be kidding me.

Wes_Craven_some_more has left the chatroom.

K_teenangst_Williamson: Hello? Wes?

Studio_exec1: Uhh... I think he left. But, we LOVED the idea.

K_teenangst_Williamson: OMG You did?

Studio_exec1: We sure did! Gays are marketing off the charts right now.

Studio_exec2: Oh, I've got an idea, what if the male character always uses the girls WINDOW when he wants to see her? I've got a possible deal with a Windex in the works!

K_teenangst_Williamson: ... I think I love that idea. I've even got a new title... "Scream 4: I know what you did last movie!"

Studio_exec2: Best

Studio_exec2: title...

Studio_exec2: EVER!

"Scream 4 brainstorming session" continued... click here to Read More!

Cinematic Superhero Hangout

Captured from Cinematic Superhero Hangout Forum

Bats: Man, the buzz is really good for THE DARK KNIGHT, opening July 18, everywhere!

Iron-ic: Well, I got the people going. As of right now, I am the hottest thing going!

HanCo: I’m new to this game, and I came outta nowhere…and still got butts in the seats, so there you go.

Hboy: OK, well, I’m a semi-obscure semi-indie guy, and I’m doing pretty good for myself, too!

Bats: Guys, no worries. I’m not bragging. I just think it’s safe to say, I’m the big deal this summer. That’s all.



J_Laffs_Last: HA! Really? Methinks the bat’s finally lost it. It’s me…Me! I’m the one they’re coming to see!
Iron-ic: Look, a lot of people didn’t really know much if anything about me, and I was so popular MTV actually created a really pointless award just so they can acknowledge me.
I so rule…

Hboy: Yeah Iron…and you’re so humble, too… *coff* a-hole *coff*

HanCo: Man, you guys need to chill. Be happy with what you got…

J_Laffs_Last: Ha! Bite me, fly-boy. And BTW, Scientology’s wackier than I am. Ha Ha!

HanCo: Man, that was cold. I dunno why you haven’t put this one down, Bats…

Bats: Well, I want to. I really, really want to. But he’s popular…That’s why my movie will be so huge!

J_Laffs_Last: Ha Ha!! There you go! You admit it! HA HA HA HA…
J_Laffs_Last has left the forum

Hboy: you know, I’ve dealt with some weird, dark stuff before, but that Joker takes the cake.

Iron-ic: Oh you guy’s with your dark this and your brooding that…keep it light, keep it humorous. I’m on fire baby! Sequels got a new writer. It’s gonna be sweet.
Anyway, OK, got a hook up with Pepper. Peace out boys.
Iron-ic has left the forum

Bats: A-hole
Greenie: SMASH!

HanCo: You said it, bug guy. A-Hole

Hboy: A-hole

Zhan: Hey guys. What’s up?
Lguru: Hello.

Hboy: Um, you might be in the wrong forum.

J_Laffs_Last: Ha! Priceless!HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
J_Laffs_Last has left the forum

Greenie: SMASH!!!
Greenie has left the forum

Zhan: In my country we don’t tolerate hate and prejudice!
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Lguru: We should all get along

HanCo: Yeah, yeah, we Should get along, but jeez man, your movie made me wanna drink. More.
HanCo has left the forum

Hboy: OK, I think I’m outta here too. Go home Guru.
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Lguru: nobody loves me
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Bats: Well, looks like it’s just me. In the end, it’s all about me after all!

"Cinematic Superhero Hangout" continued... click here to Read More!

All New Match Game

This is a transcription of an audition tape for the All New Match Game, scheduled to premier on TBS in the fall of of 2008

Andrew Daly: Hey! Thanks for coming, guys. I'm Andrew Daly, and I'll be host of the All New Match Game this fall on TBS. We're still looking for a few celebrities to fill out our regular panel, and that's why you're here. We're going to play this like a real game, and see how you do. One of our regular panelists, Norm MacDonald, will be playing the part of our "contestant", right Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah,... right. Whatever you say there, uh, Andrew.
Andrew Daly: Great! So, are our Prospective Panelists ready?
David Sedaris: Yes. Yeah, Yes.
Garrison Keillor: Yep!
Mark Twain: Why... Yessir!
Andrew Daly: Faaaantastic! OK, so the first question is: "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy"!!!!
(five minutes of silence)
Norm MacDonald: Umm, so ... er How Lazy IS she? aaahh, Andrew?
Andrew Daly: Thanks, Norm. Um... so David, Garrison, Mark; you have SEEN the show before?



David Sedaris: Sure, well, you know, that reminds me of the time me and my sister were watching my Uncle's old black and white Zenith in his trailer. So my sister says...
Andrew Daly: Right! Very Good! ANYWAY, "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a BLANK!"
Norm MacDonald: Right. Um.. I'm gonna say a .... bigger sponge, there... Gene! I mean, Andrew!
Andrew Daly: OK. Well, sure, maybe some day we will have a contestant with that little imagination you never know. Good play, Norm. So, let's see if the contestants can match it up.
Andrew Daly: So, David... "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a ..."
David Sedaris: That's funny, because my other sister is really lazy, just like that. So last March I went to visit her, since I was in town doing this book signing. So I gave her 3 weeks notice, right? Well, no, let's say 4 and a half weeks, that's funnier.... so I get there and the house looks like a hurricane....
Andrew Daly: OK, David. Now you see, you need to write down your answer. See those little cards and markers? You need to write down an answer, a SHORT answer, and then show it to me, ok? So let's move on to Garrison..
Andrew Daly: So, Garrison... "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a ..."
Andrew Daly: Umm, Garrison, I can see you've written your answer there on the card, but, Ummm, there's so much writing, I can't read it. Could you...
Garrison Keillor: Well, sure, Andrew! It was a pleasant day in Lake Wobegon yesterday, and let me tell you, Mrs. Bennett was tired after cooking up her famous cherry pies ALL... DAY... LONG! And you know, she made 17 of those pies, in one day! couldn't fit them all on her window sill, so she...
Andrew Daly: OK, so you see, Garrison... and others.. when I say "BLANK", it sort of assumes that blank would be filled with one word. Maybe a short phrase. You see? So Garrison, if I take that first word from your ramblings, it would be "it". See? "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses IT!" That makes no sense, you see?
Norm MacDonald: And it's not very funny, there.... you see? either?
Andrew Daly: yeah, thanks Norm. Moving on.. Mark... "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a ..."
Mark Twain: It's Samuel.
Andrew Daly: DAMMIT! How hard is this Frikkin' game!!!??? "she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a SAMUEL?" That doesn't even make sense!
Mark Twain: The name's Samuel Clemens. Mark Twain was just a pen name, son.
Andrew Daly: OK, fine. Mr Clemens, "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a ..."
Mark Twain: and I'm dead, also.
Andrew Daly: GODDAMMIT!
Norm MacDonald: no, he's right there... a.. Gene. I'm pretty sure he's dead. Like really dead.
Garrison Keillor: Well, lemme tell ya, that never stopped old Mr. Winkle. When it was his time, he passed on, but don't you know he still made sure to...
David Sedaris: That reminds me of a guy my Brother worked with. He died. And then my brother and I went out to....
(David and Garrison walk off the stage talking)
Andrew Daly: oh, forget it!
(Andrew storms off the stage)
Mark Twain: umm.. whitewash brush?

"All New Match Game" continued... click here to Read More!

The Brett Favre Farce

A transcript of an intercepted conference call between former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre, his agent Bus Cook and Mike McCarthy coach of the Packers.


Brett Favre: Hi, Mike.
Mike McCarthy: Hi, Brett, how’s retirement treating you? Fishing much?
Bus Cook: Mike, before we go on, I wanted to let you know I’m on the line, too.
McCarthy: Brett, what’s going on? Why is Bus on the call with you?
Favre: Well, Mike, I’ve been thinking and I’ve changed my mind. I want to play this year.
Cook: What my client is trying to say is that he wants to play again.
McCarthy: Uh, Brett, might I remind you that you actually retired on March 4th, just four months ago?
Favre: Aww, I know, but you know, I got that “itch” to play.


Cook: My client wants to play, Mike.
McCarthy: What about your “farewell” tour? What about all the people that spent money on tickets as part of your final season?
Cook: What a windfall! We made a killing…think of a second farewell tour, Cher’s done it a dozen times!
McCarthy: Regardless, Brett, we’ve already started retooling team around Aaron Rogers.
Favre: Well I’d be happy to have him as my backup.
Cook: Brett’s still got three years on his contract so he’ll be ready to report to training camp.
McCarthy: Brett, I’m sorry, we can’t do that. All of our trades and our draft picks were geared to the fact that you wouldn’t be returning. We’d have to do a ton of reworking and frankly, I don’t want to do it.
Cook: Well then release him I’m sure any number of teams would be happy to have him.
McCarthy: Well, Bus, I don’t want to do that either. I could see my way to giving him the backup position.
Favre: BACK UP? BACK UP! I gave this franchise the best sixteen years of my life and you want me to be backup to Rogers!
McCarthy: Brett, I like you, you know that, but the game is starting to pass you by. I think the thing to do now is to ask yourself why now, after only FOUR months, that you want to come back. You’ve got Deanna and the girls, go spend time with them.
Favre: Mike, I’ve been home for FOUR months, with my wife and two daughters! Do you realize how many episodes of Hannah Montana I’ve seen? Breleigh has made me take her to the Best of Both Worlds tour three times! Deanna’s honey-do list is five miles long! I HAVE to play this year! I HAVE to get out of the house! If I don’t get to go on the road I’m gonna slit my wrists! YOU HAVE to let me play!

In the background, you can hear Deanna Favre calling to Brett, “Brett where are you? I need you to go pick up the dog crap in the back yard and you STILL haven’t painted the garage! Brett! Where are you?”

Favre: Man, I gotta go! I’m going to go hide in Breleigh’s play house, Bus call me back on my cell.

Cook: What my client is trying to say is that he is still in love with the game of football.

The call is disconnected.
"The Brett Favre Farce" continued... click here to Read More!

from the Nicole Richie cookbook

Excerpts from the Nicole Richie cookbook:

1. Mac and Cheese

I’ve got this one down to a science!

• 1 box of kraft macaroni and cheese
• 1 sprinkle of heroin
• All the other stuff is says to add on the side of the box

In a saucepan mix all the ingredients, it’s that easy! This much is a lot, enough to last me a week or so, or feed 20 of my closest friends!

2. Yummy Celebrity Celery

Delicious and really filling!

• 6 celery stalks
• tbsp of salt

This one is very enjoyable, and easy to make! Slice up the celery, and sprinkle with salt! Be careful, as a few of these should last you at least a day! For a guilty pleasure, substitute celery for carrot sticks!

3. Soup de Paris

A “Hot” way to start a meal.

• 1 sausage
• ½ ounce of talent
• 1 video camera, with night vision
• 1 can of Campbell’s soup, any variety.

This one is dedicated to my friend Paris, it’s her favorite meal! Just mix the ingredients, and for extra fun videotape yourself slurping it down!
"from the Nicole Richie cookbook" continued... click here to Read More!