Finalist in June/July 2008 Humorpress.com humor writing contest.
This blog is a collection of blogs and twitters from the secret underground celebrity internet. Sure, you've never heard of it because you're NOT a celebrity. Rest assured that these are totally real, although I do have to mention that they are actually fake, and this thing is 100% fiction, and that this entire blog is for entertainment purposes only.
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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Hard Times in Hollywood

The following is an excerpt taken from a little known celebrity chat room for celebrities who have done prison time:

MarthaS: you mix the packets of ketchup, relish and two fingers full of Cheese Whiz and that is how you make nacho dip in the “big house”.
DontMesswiththeLohan: I’ll keep that in mind.
ParisHotel: That’s hot.
KhloeKard: Oh sweet Jebus, thank GAWD I’m out!
ParisHotel: Hi, Khloe, how was the pokey? *snickers*
KhloeKard: UH! Lynnwood sux! That was the longest day of my life!


DontMesswiththeLohan: I know right, time goes so slow in prison!
NicoleisRich: LiLo, like you even have a clue. You only did EIGHTY-FOUR minutes.
ParisHotel: Give it up, Nicole, you did even less, eighty-TWO minutes. Khloe did more time, 173 minutes is nothing to sneeze at, that’s hot.
DontmesswiththeLohan: SO! Who are you to say anything?
ParisHotel: I did hard time, baby, hard time, 22 DAYS. If you three added your time it wouldn’t even be a day! That’s why I can make you my biotch! Ohh, that’s hot!
NicoleisRich: Yeah, well I spent six weeks in an airstream trailer with you! Simple Life my ass! That was worse than any time in Lynnwood!
MarthaS: Ladies, ladies. Now, far be it from me to mention I actually did hard time, five months…In a Federal prison.
KhloeKard: Uh, don’t they call that prison “Camp Cupcake”?

MarthaS
: I thought they called it Camp Cupcake since I taught my "home girls" to make cupcakes using only pitabread, mocha coffee mate creamer and water!

ParisHotel: Daaamn, lady, and they say I'm not bright. At least I'm hot.

MarthaS: But my agent said they renamed it....I gotta go call my agent!


MarthaS has left the room



IamJackBauer: Afternoon, ladies. It's 3pm only 9 hours left in today...then a new 24 hours begins.

DontMesswiththeLohan: Hi, Kiefer. Not to be rude, but are you sure you're in the right place?

NicoleisRich: Yeah, this is the celebrity chatroom for those of us who have done TIME.

KhloeKard: And not just for a role...

IamJackBauer: Hello!? I just did 48 DAYS! My entire sentence! I spent my birthday, Christmas and New Year's in jail...You little punks couldn't handle the time I've done...wussies...

KhloeKard has left the room.


NicoleisRich has left the room.


DontMesswiththeLohan has left the room.

ParisHotel
: Oh, you've done real time...That's HOT! Wanna go to The Ivy for lunch?

IamJackBauer: Err, no, I've got five commercial voice overs to do today....

Connection to the chat room has been lost.
Posted by Gail Dull at 6:00 AM

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That's the best one yet. My favorite parts were Lindsay Lohan's screen name, and just about everything that Martha Stewart said. Paris's dialog sounded frighteningly true to life, by the way.

August 1, 2008 at 12:40 AM

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All articles are ©2008 by their respective authors; AJ, Jason Campbell, Gail Dull, Nathan V or R.M.Thompson