All New Match Game

This is a transcription of an audition tape for the All New Match Game, scheduled to premier on TBS in the fall of of 2008

Andrew Daly: Hey! Thanks for coming, guys. I'm Andrew Daly, and I'll be host of the All New Match Game this fall on TBS. We're still looking for a few celebrities to fill out our regular panel, and that's why you're here. We're going to play this like a real game, and see how you do. One of our regular panelists, Norm MacDonald, will be playing the part of our "contestant", right Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah,... right. Whatever you say there, uh, Andrew.
Andrew Daly: Great! So, are our Prospective Panelists ready?
David Sedaris: Yes. Yeah, Yes.
Garrison Keillor: Yep!
Mark Twain: Why... Yessir!
Andrew Daly: Faaaantastic! OK, so the first question is: "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy"!!!!
(five minutes of silence)
Norm MacDonald: Umm, so ... er How Lazy IS she? aaahh, Andrew?
Andrew Daly: Thanks, Norm. Um... so David, Garrison, Mark; you have SEEN the show before?



David Sedaris: Sure, well, you know, that reminds me of the time me and my sister were watching my Uncle's old black and white Zenith in his trailer. So my sister says...
Andrew Daly: Right! Very Good! ANYWAY, "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a BLANK!"
Norm MacDonald: Right. Um.. I'm gonna say a .... bigger sponge, there... Gene! I mean, Andrew!
Andrew Daly: OK. Well, sure, maybe some day we will have a contestant with that little imagination you never know. Good play, Norm. So, let's see if the contestants can match it up.
Andrew Daly: So, David... "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a ..."
David Sedaris: That's funny, because my other sister is really lazy, just like that. So last March I went to visit her, since I was in town doing this book signing. So I gave her 3 weeks notice, right? Well, no, let's say 4 and a half weeks, that's funnier.... so I get there and the house looks like a hurricane....
Andrew Daly: OK, David. Now you see, you need to write down your answer. See those little cards and markers? You need to write down an answer, a SHORT answer, and then show it to me, ok? So let's move on to Garrison..
Andrew Daly: So, Garrison... "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a ..."
Andrew Daly: Umm, Garrison, I can see you've written your answer there on the card, but, Ummm, there's so much writing, I can't read it. Could you...
Garrison Keillor: Well, sure, Andrew! It was a pleasant day in Lake Wobegon yesterday, and let me tell you, Mrs. Bennett was tired after cooking up her famous cherry pies ALL... DAY... LONG! And you know, she made 17 of those pies, in one day! couldn't fit them all on her window sill, so she...
Andrew Daly: OK, so you see, Garrison... and others.. when I say "BLANK", it sort of assumes that blank would be filled with one word. Maybe a short phrase. You see? So Garrison, if I take that first word from your ramblings, it would be "it". See? "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses IT!" That makes no sense, you see?
Norm MacDonald: And it's not very funny, there.... you see? either?
Andrew Daly: yeah, thanks Norm. Moving on.. Mark... "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a ..."
Mark Twain: It's Samuel.
Andrew Daly: DAMMIT! How hard is this Frikkin' game!!!??? "she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a SAMUEL?" That doesn't even make sense!
Mark Twain: The name's Samuel Clemens. Mark Twain was just a pen name, son.
Andrew Daly: OK, fine. Mr Clemens, "Tom's wife is Soooooo lazy, when she washes the dishes, she doesn't use a sponge, she uses a ..."
Mark Twain: and I'm dead, also.
Andrew Daly: GODDAMMIT!
Norm MacDonald: no, he's right there... a.. Gene. I'm pretty sure he's dead. Like really dead.
Garrison Keillor: Well, lemme tell ya, that never stopped old Mr. Winkle. When it was his time, he passed on, but don't you know he still made sure to...
David Sedaris: That reminds me of a guy my Brother worked with. He died. And then my brother and I went out to....
(David and Garrison walk off the stage talking)
Andrew Daly: oh, forget it!
(Andrew storms off the stage)
Mark Twain: umm.. whitewash brush?