Hollywood Seance

following is a transcription of a recording of a seance performed to contact Thomas Jefferson. The event was recorded on or about June 29, 2008 at George Clooney's home outside of Hollywood:

George Clooney: Ok, everyone here? How do we start, Shirley?
Shirley MacClaine: let's all join hands, and we can attempt to contact Mr. Jefferson.
George Clooney: Great! Everyone ready? everyone comfortable?
Julia Roberts: yeah
Matt Damon: yep
Ben Affleck: me too!
George Clooney: Don?
Don Cheadle: What?
George Clooney: Just checking...
Don Cheadle: What, just cause we're contacting an old dead white guy who raped his slaves and forsake his illegitimate children, so you gotta check with the brother? I'm cool, get on with it!
George Clooney: OK, Don, take it easy.
Shirley MacClaine: OK, let's all be silent, while I attempt to contact Mr. Jefferson....

silence approximately five minutes.
Ben Affleck: Shirley? You awake?
Matt Damon: shhh, Ben!
Shirley MacClaine: OK, he's here.
Julia Roberts: where?
Shirley MacClaine: He's here - all around us, but you won't see him.
Ben Affleck: So it's like being in a Gus Van Zandt film?
Matt Damon: shhh, Ben, come on.
Julia Roberts: Mr. Jefferson? we're here because we need your help. Over 200 years ago you wrote the Declaration of Independence, one of the greatest documents ever written. Today, we need your help. We need a new one.
Shirley MacClaine: he says, "OK, I'm listening."
George Clooney: We need a Declaration of Independence from George Bush and his fascist ultra conservative repressive regime.
Matt Damon: And we're willing to pay for it.
Don Cheadle: Speak for yourself, Mr Bourne.
Shirley MacClaine: He says "I don't understand. Your President was elected according to the rules laid down in the Constitution."
Julia Roberts: Yes, unless you live in Florida. But in any case, he's doing all sorts of things that are unfair to poor people, and that's not fair.
Shirley MacClaine: He says "but surely. you don't need a revolution over this."
George Clooney: Yes! that's what we want exactly!
Matt Damon: but can we do it soon? I'm starting a new pic in October.
Ben Affleck: hey - you didn't tell me that? Is it Ocean's 14? cause that would be cool. Like maybe one new guy, like a buddy of another guy, from back east, you know?
George Clooney: Mr Jefferson, can you at least write something about how Bush is destroying every principle I hold dear? I mean, you hold dear?
Shirley MacClaine: He says "Surely if a majority agree with you, they will choose a new direction in the November elections?"
Julia Roberts: Why are you fighting us, Mr. Jefferson? I feel like I'm in Erin Brokovich 2!
Ben Affleck: Are you doing that? Cause I could maybe play a lawyer or something!
Matt Damon: Ben, Come on, man. You know, I really had to go out on a limb to get you in here!
Ben Affleck: Yeah, you're right. Go with Ocean's 14. Much better concept.
George Clooney: If we did another Ocean's movie with an even bigger cast, the plot would have to be about the studio robbing a casino to pay us!
Shirley MacClaine: he says, "I think that franchise has run it's course, in any case."
Julia Roberts: Yeah, seriously. Wait, a ghost of a founding father saw Ocean's 13?
Matt Damon: EVERYONE saw Ocean's 13.
Ben Affleck: that's what I'm saying! Come on, it'd be great! All you need is a wise talking guy from Boston....
Shirley MacClaine: he says,"and you guys aren't getting any younger, you know."
Julia Roberts: What? Hey, I got an offer for Prettier Woman just 2 months ago, you know!
Ben Affleck: Really? Cause I could totally do the slick business man thing. Don't I look like Richard Gere?
Shirley MacClaine: He says, "No. But seriously, you all have seen your better days. Maybe you should just direct some crappy movies, like Clooney does"
George Clooney: Yeah. Wait... NO! who asked you?
Matt Damon: I'm out of here, man. Don, you need a ride?
Don Cheadle: what do you think, every black guy needs a hand out from the rich white liberal? You guys are too much.
Ben Affleck: I do! I Do! I need a ride!
George Clooney: I could use a lift too.
Shirley MacClaine: He says, "didn't you just get one?"
Julia Roberts: I knew we should have contacted Patrick Henry